What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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