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What does new age music sound like played backwards?
New age music.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite
......... one jar.
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What's black and white and red all over?
A newspaper!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?
A sandwich!
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?
"The erection is rigged!"
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What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!
If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"
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