What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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