What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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