What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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