What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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What do basketball players and babies have in common?

They both dribble.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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