What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why was the baseball player arrested in the middle of the game?

He was caught stealing second base.
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