What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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