What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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