What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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