What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?

Snowflakes.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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