What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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