What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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