What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?

Bugs Bunny.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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