What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What is Donald Trump "really" trying to do?

Make America Hate Again.
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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