What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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