What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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