What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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