What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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