What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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