What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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