What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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What does Melania see in Donald Trump?

"Ten billion dollars and high cholesterol!"
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why did the bird get a ticket?

It broke the law of gravity!
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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