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What element is derived from a Norse god?
Thorium.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
Time to get a new bed
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What's black and white and red all over?
A blushing zebra.
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What does the winner of the race lose?
His breath.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?
A porcupine with split ends
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?
Because her mom would make her take it back.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
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