What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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