What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

First they have to agree on which is better; the analog bulb or a digital bulb.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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