What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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How many members of the United Church of Canada does it take to change a light bulb?

How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb has chosen an alternative light-style?
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the Blonde stare at the Orange Juice carton?

Because it said CONCENTRATE.
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