What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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