What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to climb the ladder while the second kicks the ladder out from under her. And the third to say, "I knew that was too high for you dear."
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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