What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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