What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.

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What did one egg say to the other egg?

You crack me up!

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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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Why should you never tell a secret in a corn field?

Because there are too many ears.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.

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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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