What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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I just watched a program about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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