What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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