What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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