What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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Where did the sheep go on vacation?

The baaaahamas
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What's the first thing a musician says at work?

"Would you like fries with that?"

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?

They're both extinct.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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