What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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