What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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