What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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How Many lead guitarist does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just steal somebody else's light.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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