What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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