What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What day of the week tastes the best?

Sunday!
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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