What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos

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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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