What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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