What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What did one flower say to the other flower?

Hey, bud!
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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Know how copper wire was invented?

Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
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Why do hummingbirds hum?

Because they don't know the words.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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