What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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