What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What is a ghost's favorite pie?

Booberry pie!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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