What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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