What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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What's black and white and red all over?

A newspaper!
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What do you call a thieving alligator?

A crookodile
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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