What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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