What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What kind of potato chips fly?

Plane ones.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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