What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What do you call a cow that plays a musical instrument?

A Moo-sician!

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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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