What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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