What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What room does a ghost not need?

A living room!
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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What's the difference between a fish and a piano?

You can't tuna fish.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What is a snowman's favorite breakfast?

Frosted Flakes!
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Why did Lil Wayne go to the Doctor?

He was feeling a Lil Weezy

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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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