What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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