What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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Which reindeer likes to clean?

Comet
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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