What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the Bible doesn't mention any light bulbs.
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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