What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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