What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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