What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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What kind of table has no legs.

A multiplication table.
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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