What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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