What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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