What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?

A phew.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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