What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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How do crows stick together in a flock?

Velcrow.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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