What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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