What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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There was an explosion at a cheese factory in France...

all that was left was de brie.
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