What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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