What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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