What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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Which day do fish hate?

Fryday
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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