What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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