What happened when the butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

he got a little behind in his work.
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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What did the laywer name his daughter?

Sue.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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