What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.

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