What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The chicken wasn't around yet.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
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How do you know when its Michael Jacksons bed time ?

When the big hand touches the little hand
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