What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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Where do you go to find a million story building?

You go to the Library!
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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