What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What did the clock do after it ate?

It went back four seconds!
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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