What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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