What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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