What happened when the monster ate the electric company?

He was in shock for a week.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What's 182 feet tall and made out of pepperoni and cheese?

The leaning tower of Pizza.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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