What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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