What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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