What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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