What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!
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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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