What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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