What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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