What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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