What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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