What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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