What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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What do you call a parrot that flew away?

A polygon
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Don't trust atoms,

they make up everything.
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