What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did the rooster cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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