What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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What do you call a fairy who doesn't take a bath?

Stinker Bell.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why was the woman fired from the car assembly line?

She was caught taking a brake.
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How does the ocean say hello?

It waves.
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