What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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