What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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