What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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