What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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