What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them.
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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