What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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How do you catch a unique bird?

Unique up on it.
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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