What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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