What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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What do you call a cat sitting on the beach on Christmas Eve?

Sandy Claws.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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