What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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In what school do you learn how to greet people?

Hi school.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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