What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?

A mouse on vacation.
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How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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Why is slippery ice like music?

If you don't C sharp - you'll B flat!

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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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