What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

"Many hands make light work."
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