What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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