What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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