What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What do you call a movie about Donald Trump, Bernie Madoff, and Kenneth Lay?

The League of Extraordinary Con Men.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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