What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?

Because his feet stink
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Why did Bach have so many children?

He did not have a stop on his organ.

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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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