What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."

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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!

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What did the baby corn ask the mother corn?

Where is pop corn?
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!

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Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.
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