What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Where does Dorian Gray shop?

Forever 21
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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