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What has holes all over and holds water?
A sponge!
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What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East?
Cheeses of Nazareth.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?
Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a garage.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?
To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?
Silent night!
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
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I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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