What has one horn and gives milk?

A milk truck.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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Why did the drum take a nap?

It was beat.
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Why did the banana split?

It saw the ginger snap.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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