What is a baby's motto?

If at first you don't succeed, cry and cry again!
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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Dorian Gray Jokes,

they never get old!
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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