What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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