What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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