What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine

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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.

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What kind of underwear to reporters wear?

News briefs.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Two satellites decided to get married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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