What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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How do Eskimos make their beds?

With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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