What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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A seal walks into a club...
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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