What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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