What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Where do ghosts buy their food?

At the ghost-ery store!
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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