What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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