What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper

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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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