What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What's the name of the archeologist that works at Scotland Yard?

Sherlock Bones.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?

As far away as possible.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.

Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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