What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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Where did the music teacher leave her keys?

In the piano!

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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk
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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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