What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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