What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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