What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do planets like to read?

Comet books!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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