What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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