What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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How does an Eskimo stick his house together?

With igloo!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How many ergonomicists does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. Four to decide which way the bulb ought to turn, and . . .
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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