What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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