What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?

H2O.
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How many teenage girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One, but she'll be on the phone for five hours telling all her friends about it.
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What is a vampire's favorite fruit?

A nectarine!
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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