What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.
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Ah, I had a great boomerang joke...

It'll come back to me.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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