What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.
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