What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.
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Where do cars go for a swim?

At the carpool!
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