What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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Why did the spy stay in bed?

Because he was under cover.
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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