What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?

Owlgebra
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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