What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?

Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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