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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?
A blackboard.
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What is a shark's favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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Why are babies good at soccer?
Because they dribble!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one - and let the other one off.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?
Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
They were sitting on the deck!
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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