What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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How many Agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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