What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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