What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke...

In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.

If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.

Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.

Bibliography:

[1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, Re: YALBJ, 1986
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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How many college girls does it take to change a light bulb?

That's "women," you unfunny jerk!
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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