What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do.
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What do you call a chicken in the 1960's?

A funky chicken.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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