What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?

His powder puff is on the wrong end.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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