What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What does cheese like to drink?

Morbier
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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There were five people under one umbrella. Why didn't they get wet?

It wasn't raining!
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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What do you call a rabbit with beetles all over it?

Bugs Bunny.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.
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