What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A tree in a golden forest.
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How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?

When it's full.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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