What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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How do you cut a wave in half?

Use a sea saw.
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Where do you get whales weighed?

At the Whale-weigh station.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What is an astronauts favorite key on the keyboard?

The space bar!
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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