What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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Why don't honest people need beds?

They don't lie.
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How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but she/he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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