What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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How do they serve smart hamburgers?

On honor rolls.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Where do sheep get their hair cut?

At the baa-baa shop.
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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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