What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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