What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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How can you get four suits for a dollar?


Buy a deck of cards.
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?

Hair Force One!
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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