What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What goes up and down but never moves?

Stairs.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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