What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?

Deviled eggs.
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