What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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How many fire safety guys dose it take to screw in a light bulb?

One -- but it's an 8 hour minimum.
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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What does cheese like to drink?

Morbier
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