What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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Want to hear a joke about construction?

I'm still working on it.
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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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