What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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Why did the man take a pencil to bed?

Because he wanted to draw the curtains!
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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