What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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