What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What do you call a Disney Princess that supports Donald Trump?

Snow White Supremacist.
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