What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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How many supporters of George W. Bush does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First, denounce the nearest Democrats as liberal pantywaists who deliberately caused the bulb to blow. Second, announce that the Bush administration has proved that the science of electricity is faulty, so no action ever needs to be taken on global light change. Third, keep the need for a new light bulb strictly secret. Fourth, use the money for new light bulbs as an excuse for another tax cut for Bush's wealthy friends. Fifth, explain that you would never "disassemble" about the need for light, you are way too busy spreading freedom and democracy in the Middle East by eliminating freedom and democracy in the United States.
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What do you give a pig with a rash?

Oinkment.
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