What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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