What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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When the attendant asked the photon if it had any bags to check

It said Nah, I'm traveling light.
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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What did the alien say to the garden?

Take me to your weeder!
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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