What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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