What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen?

Got two fives for a ten?
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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