What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?

A rash of good luck.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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