What is the difference between a fly and superman?

Superman can fly, but a fly cannot superman!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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What does a cat call a hummingbird?

Fast food.
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