What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why did the boy take a ruler to bed?

To see how long he slept.
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