What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day

but I couldn't find any.

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What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?

Sleep somewhere else.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.
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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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