What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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What is the difference between a car and a bull?

A car only has one horn.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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Slept like a log last night........

Woke up in the fireplace.

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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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