What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.

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Where does an elephant pack his luggage?

In his trunk

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is only a small box but can weigh over a hundred pounds?

A scale.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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