What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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How do dinosaurs pay their bills?

With Tyrannosaurus checks.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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