What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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