What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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What element is derived from a Norse god?

Thorium.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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