What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?

"Feel the World."
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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