What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What is black and white and red all over?

A skunk with a rash.
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