What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What did the light bulb say to its mother?

I wuv you watts and watts.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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