What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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What's the difference between a musician and a 14-inch pizza?

A 14-inch pizza can feed a family of four

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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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