What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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Why did the carpenter fall asleep on the job?

He was board.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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