What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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