What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many believable, competent, ``just-right-for-the-job'' presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
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