What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Why do you think Civil Disobedience was such a fantastic essay?

Thoreau editing Thorough.
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How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?

The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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