What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller",

he said "Not you again".

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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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What is a boxer's favorite drink?

Punch.
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