What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Fo Drizzle!

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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