What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Went to the corner shop -

bought 4 corners.

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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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How are doughnuts and golf alike?

They both have a hole in one!
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What kind of pants do ghosts wear?

Boo-Jeans.
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