What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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Whats the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one has a pause at the end of its clause
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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When should you buy a bird?

When it's going cheep!

Did you hear the one about the crow and the telephone pole?
He wanted to make a long distance caw.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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