What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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