What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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Whats Donald Trump's favorite nation?

Discrimination.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Were does a boat go when it is sick?

To the dock.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What is a parents favorite Christmas carol?

Silent night!
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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