What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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