What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Dorian Gray Jokes,

they never get old!
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