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What kind of flower has lips?
Two-lips!
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Why is a skeleton so mean?
He doesn't have a heart.
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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them!
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?
In their Sleevies!
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?
Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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How do you make a rock float?
Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?
A porcupine with split ends
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