What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What do you call a loony spaceman?

An astronut.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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