What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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Why was the cat afraid of a tree?

Because of the bark
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What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

Is that you mommy?
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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I'm sorry we can't let the elephants back into the public pool.

They keep dropping their trunks.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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