What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Televangelists screw in motels.
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What did one flower say to the other flower?

Hey, bud!
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