What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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What has a bed that you can't sleep in?

A river.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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What kind of dessert does a ghost like?

I scream!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?

A ferrous wheel.
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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I'll call you later.

Don't call me later, call me Dad.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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