What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How do you catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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