What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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What's the slipperiest country?

Greece!
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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When can't you see a cheese?

When it's pasteurised...
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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