What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?

A Dogwood
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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What kind of shoes does a pedophile wear?

White vans.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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